Nightmares
by MendaciousMinx
Summary: When Raven has a nightmare about her mother's death, she loses control, and maybe her mind. It's up to Beast Boy to bring her back. I don't own Flock of Seagulls' song or the Titans.


This goes out to all subjects of child abuse or parental death. This phase too shall pass.  
Disclaimer: Standard disclaimers apply.

Nightmares  
  
Hot red and orange blazed around her. The room was growing hotter, and beams were falling from the ceiling. She avoided one, and heard a scream. Whirling around, she saw a pale woman with long black hair. Her eyes were a deep violet color, and she was screaming in pain.  
  
Mother.  
  
The beam Raven had dodged so nimbly was slowly crushing the woman, while the flames around them ate her alive. Her shirt caught fire, then her hair. She moaned and screamed, clawing at the floor with her bloodied fingers.  
  
Raven dove toward her, but another beam fell between the pair. The half-demon girl attempted to use her powers to douse the flames or move the beam, but there was something unnatural about the blaze that was interfering with her telekinesis.  
  
Disregarding her own safety, Raven scrabbled at the beam with her bare hands, crying out as they began to fester and burn. It gave way, and she staggered through the sparks and chunks of flaming wood, only to see the last light leave her mothers eyes.  
  
With a scream, Raven shot up in bed. Shuddering, she wrapped her sheets around her. "Azarath, Metrion, Xinthos... Azarath, Metrion, Xinthos..." Breathing deeply, she rose from the sweat-soaked sheets and floated over to her vanity.  
  
Raven opened the top drawer with quaking fingers and removed a large red amulet. This was not the object of her actions, however, and she slid her right hand beneath the drawer's false bottom.  
  
When it emerged she clutched an old, love-worn photograph. In the picture, a beautiful young woman with pale skin sat on a park bench. Her long black hair was done up in an elegant bun, coiled behind her head in the latest fashion. She wore a simple blue skirt with a white blouse. Sitting on the bench beside her was a young man with flaming red hair and black eyes. His skin was tan, and he wore a disarming smile. Sitting between them, wearing a blue jumper, was a violet-haired girl no older than seven.  
  
Raven gazed first at the woman. Her mother. This had been two months before she died, taken on Raven's seventh birthday. The three of them had been at the park for a birthday picnic, laughing and playing like a real family.  
  
Next, she turned her eyes to the child. Herself. In the image, she wore a wide smile. Her eyes held none of the malevolence they sometimes took on now. Raven could see nothing but innocence there.  
  
Finally, she fixed her gaze on the man. Her blood boiled. Her father. The photo was taken two weeks before he had unveiled his true colors; a demon. An abusive demon. After a month of this, her mother had cast him out of the house. But not before he'd given Raven and herself some lasting bruises.  
  
It was two weeks after that when he'd returned. In a rage, he set their house alight. He hadn't cared if they lived; his own family. He'd laughed. He'd stood there on the lawn, watching their home turn to cinders and laughed.  
  
Years later, after Raven had fled, he'd discovered from one of his spies that she had inherited demonic abilities he'd never been able to acheive. He'd sent minions after her, but they never came back. Occasionally, he appeared himself. Raven had managed to thwart all attempts so far, but he was getting stronger.  
  
Something in the corner exploded. Taking a deep breath, Raven turned and strode out of the room.  
  
When she reached the rec. room, she floated silently to the window. It was raining. Pressing her hands against the cool glass, she imagined that the rain coursed through her vains, washing away all impurity. It was a pretty dream, but only that. A dream. She could never be pure. Evil was in her blood.  
  
She turned her attention back to the picture. Closing her eyes halfway, she imagined that her mother was moving. She imagined she could hear her voice.  
  
Beast Boy's stomach growled, waking him with a start. Mumbling about Cyborg's all-meat buffet (he'd been forced to go hungry, god forbid), he swung his legs off of the bed and stumbled blearily downstairs for a midnight snack.  
  
When he got there, however, the room was already occupied. Raven stood by the window, gazing at a dog-eared photograph. She had one hand pressed against the glass of the window, and her eyes were half-closed.  
  
Beast Boy approached her silently, and gazed over her shoulder at the photograph. There were two people he didn't know, and a little girl who looked oddly familiar. She had purple hair, and violet eyes. He skin was ashen, but she looked happy. Then it clicked. But no, it couldn't be... Raven? But it was. Unmistakeably.  
  
"Rae? Is that your family?" he asked softly.  
  
She jumped, whirling around and tucking the picture under her cloak in one swift motion. She opened her mouth to spit out a witty response, but it died on her lips. Turning, she swept hurriedly out of the room.  
  
Beast Boy stared after her, confusion clear in his eyes. Shrugging, he made his way into the kitchen and began preparing a sandwich. Raven wasn't supposed to make sense. Star was right; there were somethings about her the Titans weren't meant to understand.  
  
_You keep stopping when you could be walking,  
Looking at the pictures on the wall.  
You keep quiet when you should be talking.  
You just don't make any sense at all.  
  
_Raven put the photograph away, replacing the false bottom and the amulet. She threw herself onto the bed and curled up into a tiny ball. The sheets felt as soft as silk, and her memories resurfaced.  
  
Closing her eyes, she imagined she could feel her mother's hand carressing her face. Smiling, she shifted to lie more comfortably on the be, engulfing herself in the soothing sensation._  
  
Remember when you were much younger,  
And you were lying in your bed  
Among the satin sheets and pillows,  
Your mother there to ease your head.  
  
_Wrapping herself still further into her imaginary world, she whispered to the image of her mother firmly engraved on her memory. "Mother, they can't help me. I need you back, please..." Tears welled from beneath her lashes, brimming over and trailing gently down her face. "They want to help, mother, but they could never understand... They could never do it. They're not strong enough, and I... I don't want to be alone."_  
  
Mama, Mama, I keep having nightmares.  
Mama, Mama, Mama, am I ill?  
Mama, Mama, Mama, hold me tightly.  
Mama, Mama, do you love me still?  
  
_Raven bit her lip and brought herself out of her imagination. All around her her belongings were in ruins, but she didn't care. She had lost control. That was what mattered. Breathing deeply once again, she tried to stifle her sobs. It was no use._  
  
But now it's diff'rent you are older.  
There's no one here to hold you hand.  
Your Mama's gone beyond the veil, girl.  
There's no one left who understands.  
  
_"If mother were here," she told herself angrily, "She'd stop being silly. She'd stop right NOW. Whe wouldn't be bawling her head off over what's been done. People come, people go. She was just a woman... I didn't even know her, not really..." Unable to stifle the tears anymore, she burst into another stream of sobs._  
  
Mama, Mama, I keep having nightmares.  
Mama, Mama, Mama, am I ill?  
Mama, Mama, hold me, hold me tighter.  
Mama, Mama, do you love me still?  
  
_"She wasn't just a woman," Raven bit out. "She wasn't just some stranger! She was my mother, and I couldn't save her. My own mother, and I let her die..."  
  
In a fit of grief, Raven threw herself against the wall. She beat her fists against it and screamed as loudly as she could. The pain held back for so many years welled up in her throat and tore its way out, the grief clawing at her insides. Her throat became raw from her keening wails, but she didn't stop. She couldn't stop. She'd let her own mother die._  
  
Do you love me?  
Do you love me?  
  
_Beast Boy made his way back upstairs, stomach finally satisfied. As he passed Raven's closed door, he heard her screaming. It sounded as though something was being hurled against the wall.  
  
Assuming that she was being attacked, Beast Boy shoved his palm against the panel beside Raven's door. A monotonous electronic voice said "Code name: Beast Boy. Identity: Garfield Logan. Age: Fifteen years, three months, one week, four days, nine hourse, seven minutes, forty-two seconds. Power: Shapeshifter. Person not specified for entry; access denied."  
  
Momentarily shocked at how much Raven's computer knew about him, he blinked owlishly. "Dude, forty-two seconds?"  
  
"Negative," the computer replied. "Forty-nine seconds."  
  
Beast Boy shook his head sharply. He'd talk to Rae about that later. Right now, he needed a manual code if he wanted to get in.  
  
On the tiny screen beside him, he saw nine red dashes flashing. Letter spaces. What would Raven chose as her manual override code? Wait, what was that one poem she quoted sometimes? With that raven in it, and the Palace guy's head, and some Lenore lady? Once More... Whatever For... Nevermore! That was it!  
  
He counted the letters in his head. Match. Typing them on the small keypad in the wall, he waited breathlessly for the response.  
  
The computer seemed to hesitate for a moment, pondering what its answer would be. Then, in an almost disappointed-sounding tone, it said "Manual override code correct. Access permitted. _Don't touch anything._" The door slid open.  
  
"Raven, are you okay?" Beast Boy dashed inside, to find Raven curled up on the floor. Her screams had become soft sobs, and she was clutching her knees to her chest in a protective ball.  
  
Her cloak had been discarded, and her leotard was ripped. Her hands were bruised, and there were bloodied marks on the left side of her chest, where the leotard had been slashed. They looked like they'd been made by claws, or something equally sharp.  
  
Rushing over to his friend, Beast Boy wrapped his hands gently around her shoulders. She jumped, looking up at him blindly.  
  
"Raven," he whispered, pulling her into a sitting position. "Who did this to you? Who hurt you?"  
  
Her eyes became unfocused, and her body quivered in his arms. He shook her slightly, just enough to keep her with him. "Raven, what happened? Did someone hurt you?"  
  
He looked around. Most of her belongings had been utterly demolished, things lying scattered and destroyed across the floor. A glass figurine had broken, and shards of it had ripped away at the soles of Raven's feet. When she spoke, her voice came out raspy and dry.  
  
"No..." she croaked, her hands gripping his arms tightly. "No... no one hurt me..." In her current state, she was far too dazed to make up an excuse as she'd done so often before, having turned up battered and bruised.  
  
Beast Boy stared for a moment, before a frightening thought occurred to him. "Raven, you didn't..." Gripping one of her wrists gently, he raised her hand to her chest. Her fingertips fit exactly into the long cuts. "Oh, God, Raven..."  
  
She tore herself out of his grasp and dragged her battered body away from him. She looked like a wounded bird, struggling like that, and he couldn't bear it.  
  
In one swift motion, he was at her side again. "Why, Raven? Why did you do this?"  
  
Raven bit her lip. She was afraid of this... Now there was no way around it. "When I was very young, my father... He wasn't very... He..." She trailed off helplessly.  
  
"He beat you." Beast Boy said softly. It wasn't a question.  
  
She nodded, eyes watering again. "My mother, she threw him out, but... Two weeks later, he showed up again. We were sleeping, and he set the house on fire." She saw Beast Boy stiffen in shock, and cast her eyes to the floor. "I made it out, but just barely. I saw my father standing there, the torch in his hand. He was... laughing." She pulled her legs to her chest again, and her body quaked with silent grief.  
  
Beast Boy stared at her slight figure, barely able to comprehend what he'd heard. How could one girl suffer so much? How could anyone let that happen? "But why did you do this?" he asked, his voice a hoarse whisper.  
  
She looked up at him, eyes misted over with tears. "Because I couldn't save her. She was right there, but I wasn't strong enough. She was the only person I've ever failed, and she was my mother. I failed my mother."_  
  
So you're left standing in the corner.  
You keep your face turned to the wall.  
A fading dream, a fading mem'ry,  
A shooting star that had to fall.  
  
_Beast Boy gathered her to him. "It wasn't your fault. You were little, and fighting against something you probably didn't understand. Your mother doesn't blame you; she loved you, Raven. She knows it wasn't your fault."  
  
Raven buried her face in his chest, wetting his uniform with her tears. "Are you sure?" she choked out.  
  
The changeling smiled. "Positive."  
  
She pressed herself into his arms even more firmly, and cried herself to sleep._  
  
Mama, Mama, I keep having nightmares.  
Mama, Mama, Mama, am I ill?  
Mama, Mama, hold me, hold me tighter.  
Mama, Mama, do you love me still?  
Do you love me?  
Mama, Mama, do you love me still?  
Do you love me?  
Mama, Mama, do you love me still?  
Do you love me?  
Mama?_


End file.
